2016 New Year’s Resolutions for the NRA
January 2, 2016
- We will stop referring to ourselves as a “civil rights” organization defending “human rights.” It is a sacrilege to every victim of civil or human rights violations.
- We will concede “mental illness” is not the real reason for gun violence. Every country has mental illness; only the US has 10,000 gun homicides a year.
- We will stop comparing guns to knives, hammers, cars and swimming pools–none of which kill when “used as directed.”
- We will cite Canada, Japan, New Zealand, Australia and EU countries as examples of strict gun laws—not fascist regimes that existed 80 years ago. We admit the former are not tyrannies.
- We will bury our “criminals don’t obey laws” line and admit most mass shooters passed their background checks, including the last 15.
- We will admit the reason “gun laws don’t work” in big cities is because of the iron pipeline, crooked dealers and our efforts to keep gun trafficking from being a felony.
- We will stop helping suspected domestic abusers keep their guns while under orders of protection. We concede a third of women murdered in the U.S. are killed by such partners, mostly with guns.
- We will expunge Ted Nugent as a longtime board member because he not only dodged the draft, he wears a Confederate flag.