2016 New Year’s Resolutions for the NRA

NRA Resolutions
January 2, 2016

  1. We will stop referring to ourselves as a “civil rights” organization defending “human rights.” It is a sacrilege to every victim of civil or human rights violations.


  1. We will concede “mental illness” is not the real reason for gun violence. Every country has mental illness; only the US has 10,000 gun homicides a year.


  1. We will stop comparing guns to knives, hammers, cars and swimming pools–none of which kill when “used as directed.”


  1. We will cite Canada, Japan, New Zealand, Australia and EU countries as examples of strict gun laws—not fascist regimes that existed 80 years ago. We admit the former are not tyrannies.


  1. We will bury our “criminals don’t obey laws” line and admit most mass shooters passed their background checks, including the last 15.



  1. We will admit the reason “gun laws don’t work” in big cities is because of the iron pipeline, crooked dealers and our efforts to keep gun trafficking from being a felony.


  1. We will stop helping suspected domestic abusers keep their guns while under orders of protection. We concede a third of women murdered in the U.S. are killed by such partners, mostly with guns.


  1. We will expunge Ted Nugent as a longtime board member because he not only dodged the draft, he wears a Confederate flag.

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